Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
